Virtue of knowing yourself

I remember my night, just before my job interview while I was in university. My friends said, Hemant, try to read something, search on internet for what kind of questions they ask. I said, ‘I don’t need to know anything. If they are going to ask anything about me, then I am the one who knows best about me. If they are going to ask anything about my work, then I am the one who knows it best because I am doing that project. So, one should be studying are those who are going to interview me and not me’. I may sounded very arrogant, too confident (over confident), whatever, but I liked myself for what I thought. I got that job, and I am doing still that job it’s different story altogether, but it’s not the thing I want to talk about today. It’s something very inner core of myself.

Always, when in doubt I had three things in my mind;

1. I know this about myself and I already proved it to myself
2. I know this about myself and I need to prove it to myself
3. I don’t know this about myself and I need if my understanding about myself is correct or not

Fortunately, unfortunately I was always stuck in first two regime. Fortunately because it made me very confident guy, unfortunately because in other case just to prove myself, I had to go through extreme and very long lasting pain. To give an example, I knew how the world around me will react if I fail in exam (especially engineering). I deliberately failed in final exams which cost me an year. I could see the world around me changing (as expected) and it took them almost 6-8 years to starting thinking good about me. Till then, I was bad ass, wasted guy, person with no future etc etc. I didn’t bother much about it, because I created that situation around me to check who will act the way I thought will act. And who will be there to say me ‘Hemant, if you are doing something I am sure there is a reason behind it’. There were only two people who said so. They were my Father, and my Mother. Don’t I have a reason to be luckiest person to be on the planet.

Another example; I never used to smoke, but now I am smoker and don’t feel like quitting. I started saying, let me see what happens if I smoke. Probably I will die way sooner than what my parents expect me to live in this world (no one truly wish I that I should live longer except my family), but still I will be happy to live it the way I wanted it. And if I ever be sad, I will sad because I wanted to do few things for me, and I never got chance to do that. But happyness of doing the things for others who deserve it much more than anything else.

That’s the proverb we have which says, ‘learn from others mistakes so that you will not make the same’. Probably I chose the other path to learn many things by myself. Very hard, painful, waste of time sometimes but atleast leaves no doubt in mind.

Today again, I am in midst of this process, to check if I am who I really think about myself. Certainly it is not that the place you want to be, but certainly I know that future after this is going to be so good. It’s painful again, but still so good. Because then tomorrow, I can say, ‘it’s someone else who needs to prepare to know me, and not me. I know everyting about myself’. Again, I am arrogant today, I am over confident today. Maybe I the fool today, but atleast I will not be the fool tomorrow.

I am in love with this line. Life is beautiful but not as much as mind.

Poetry Revisited !

Yesteday I watched latest Bollywood movie “Zindagi Mile Na Dobara” and suddenly felt like writing a poem. So here it goes, what came in my mind.

ना जाने क्योँ आज बारिश रिमझिम सी हो रही है
ना जाने क्योँ आज लोग नए से लग रहे है|

सपने तो हमेशा देखे थे मैंने
ना जाने क्योँ वही सपने आज नए से लग रहे है |

देखता था खुद को आईने मे रोज़
ना जाने क्योँ आज उसी चेहरे पे रौनक सी छाई है|

इस दुनिया मे तो पहले भी था लेकिन
ना जाने क्योँ आज यह दुनिया नयी सी लग रही है ||

I don't know if I can translate this my own poem in English, but I will try soon.